drubk.

my cab driver in the AM told me about his daughter that killed herself six months ago, she was 21. He told me that he wishes he were dead instead of her and that his life is now empty.

He keeps two korean rice cakes on the dashboard of his taxi next to her picture. He was very proud of her, as well as all of his offspring.

He is a good fella'. I can tell. His other two remaining children are math teachers and one is a doctor. They're all really great sounding.

He told me to not marry for the rich because they will never make me happy, marry someone that is artistic and just because I'm 21 doesn't mean anything, I can find someone whenever and I shouldn't be in a rush. HE is right.





today was moving.

I'm on the MaryKate diet.

today's meals consist of:
-one medium soy vanilla late from starbucks (unlike MK I don't get the fat-free nor sugar free version)
-one Challah roll with butter
-one granola bar (organic) with chocolate chips.


I sit here sipping my starbucks and listening to the Rapture, ahhhhhh eeehhh oooh ohhhhhh.... (pant pant pant)... I've got the caffine buzz going, I'm not wearing pants and dancing around.

LIFE IS GREAT!



what for dinner tonight? I made some red curry, coconut, tofu with fresh onions, beans, and corn over long grain brown rice. I'm quite the chef, unfortunately it wasn't as good as I was hoping. Not spicy enough and I like tripled the amount of Red Chili paste I put in it too! WEEEOoooOOO!


nat-tat-tatalie wants to take photos of me in my apartment. I'm down with it, the half olive, half white primer, one pink corner room. I kind of like it and I'm WAY too lazy to paint the rest of it, OH AND TOOOOO BROKE!








cock-tail par-tay with caitlin in ONE WEEK EXACTLY!! :) I am totally excited for this. I hope AMY can come and JESSI. AND I forgot to mail ANDREW's invite out. WE invited more MENZ than WOMENZ ... don't come here lookin' for some action men.. the pickings will be slimmm!

--

why is everyone changing?

congratulations ... go home.

I
will
be
something
amazing.

You'll see.

I'm
already
something
amazing.

You've missed out.

I
will
age
wonderfully.

You'll look frail.

I
will
travel
all over.

You will stay put.

I
will
be
happy.

You will too,
but not happy like I am.





now it just makes me feel better to know that while you sit around doing "something," I'm going somewhere.

Even if you're doing something, guess what, it could have always been better. always better.

HEY YOU..

don't touch my stuff.

don't let your friends touch my stuff.

this is my space (not the internet website) .. not a shared space.

This is unacceptable.



my computer has important things on it that I don't want other people to be messing around with.

pissy pissy piss.


dinner.

pink and brown babies in pink stroller cars.

disconnected and deleted.


you're gone. no friendship. no nothing. I'm quite glad.

I guess this is just a step in the right direction for me.


blocked.
private.
deleted.


allelectronic. don't contact me, because I really don't want to hear from you, e v e r a g a i n .


Unless, of course, because I never rule out the fact that someone may actually turn into someone loyal and understanding and FRIENDLY again, but I highly doubt it, you schmuck.

bonfire tomorrow - may freeze. easy e.

sometimes when I drink I feel like my legs are moving faster than the rest of my body.


I went to 2 irish pubs and literally they both had irish accents. Woodside is great. I have roaches. I bought raid and sprayed... THAT RHYMES.


hanging out with sean soon, hoorah!

I wish I had MY wok to pack.

biscuits and gravy are always delicious.

my day is delicious. I have to do work. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

MOVING DAY = TOMORROW @ 7am.



another page is turning and I look forward to the adventures to come. I don't really know if I'll get along with Sarah, we're both on very different pages of our lives, but we sure will see.




like day number 12i10-29102109210 of no myspacing. kickin' the habit.

we all float on.

I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry it's over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

I got my nails did today.

I ate some popeyes.


Thursday starts a new Lindsay. I'm going vegetarian, simply because I researched what animal agriculture does to the environment... realeases a lot of greenhouse gasses (more than cars and hairspray) so to try to save our environment I'm trying to cut back / not eat meat at all.

I've started eating nuts. ;)




BLASTED f TRAIN and J train = they're down. I took a cab from 23rd and 6th ave and spent like $25 getting home. BLAST IT! :/


goodnight all.


popeyes = mmmmm.

progress

I don't feel the urge to use my counsellor anymore.

I actually feel that I have control of my life. It is what it is. I'm going to sign my new lease in t-minus 4.5 hours.

I'm off to buy a new coat and wander around SoHo! :)


Life is swell.

day 2 of NO MYSPACE!

So, day by day, I am proud to say that I have been taking a myspace hiatus and I encourage everyone to join me. Slops and I (she started one day before me) are going strong. We are each others support. You know what, she's right, if someone isn't willing to talk to you on the phone but willing to talk to you over the internet, something is wrong. If you have the time to type answers then you have the time to pick up the phone and dial 7 digits (or you don't even have to do that anymore because people are just programmed in the phones) and say hi and have a normal conversation.

Also things get lost in translation via the internet. You know what, I am not boycotting the internet by any means but just taking a step back because in all honesty, everyone's life is consumed by it and it's kind of disgusting.

What I really came to talk about was how I love living where I do, yes, Bushwick.

scenario one:
yesterday I was riding the train home after class there was a woman quickly crocheting (can't spell that one for the life of me) and a woman next to her playing the harmonica. They were not together but I slowly began to notice a beat with the woman and her harmonica and the woman's rapid hand movements. The harmonica player was not asking for money or anything along those lines, she was just setting a mood that was a good raw jazzy feel on the train. It was a feeling of satisfaction as I sat next to her when the woman that was crocheting got off at Myrtle. There was no where that I would have rather been right there. It reminded me of Detroit after prom of my senior year Kyle and I went to Greektown and we were changing in the car and through the cracked window we could hear a saxophone and see a man standing under a streetlight just doing his thing as if you would see it in a movie. He also was not asking for money, just wanted to play for the people.

scenario two:
The homeless woman that lives on my block, she well, kind of is stinky. I gave her half of my turkey sandwich and a banana one day, she was very greatful. She's not an uneducated woman as I have seen her reading books, writing (which the whole day I was gone it appeared that she had been writing), and I've seen her marking things off of the United States map. She also has a whole bunch of things she's collected that sits right next to the stairs to go up to the train. My roommate often says that MTA should give her a job to clean up the subway because she is always cleaning up her stuff anyways. I like to think that she's happy as she is. I've never wondered why she was homeless because she never seemed TRULY affected by it, it's just something that happens and she has a warm place to go (the MTA station or Dunkin Donuts which is open until 4am) and people take care of her and care about her. I can honestly say that I look for her when I get off of the train to see where she is at. She seems nice enough and happy where she is.



I think that there are more reasons on why I love living where I do, but I really won't get into them now because I have to go do homework and pass out. Ugh.

off off ! duh nuh nuh nuhhhh

Okay, so my electricity goes off tomorrow. Everyone except myself is moving out today. I move out on the 1st of November. I tried to find a place to stay and contemplated staying in a hostel for a week. I decided to stay. If the electricity goes off, that's okay with me, I can pick up some candles from KMart and just have some Lindsay time. The main thing I'm concerned about is how am I going to dry my hair, I am going to search around in the hall way and in the boiler room to see if there are any extra plugs so that I don't look ridiculous in the AM.

List of things I need to get from Target/Kmart:
-Lamps
-Dresser
-Dishes
-Sheets
-Dishtowels


I think that's it. I'm painting my new room soon .. I want to do that before I move in. It will be cream again and I'll probably paint something weird on the walls, just because I'm weird like that.


I'm excited for my new project and my future week and a half living experience.

WAIT... STOP ... PLEASE!

Don't conform.

you were perfect before.

you're far from perfect now.

we all see it and don't like it.

people change,

but I wish that you hadn't.

you're far from perfect now.

you were perfect before.

Don't conform.





it's how I feel.

Jeremy + georgie (?) + me = slumber party madness on Saturday.

I'm totally pumped to see Jeremy, it's been much too long! Pizza and a beer are needed, for sure.


Anywho,

I was sitting on my roof last night being the stressed out girl that I am and I was going to call you to talk as a friend. I then realized that you're not a friend and that I can't even call you because you wouldn't answer or return my call.


I guess it's life...

jellied moose nose.

date.

date.

date.

date.

date.

Today I found a book that said "OPEN ME"

Hello dearest friend,

I have gotten a lot of responses from Craigslist for my next apartment. I don't want to move in with anyone that I've met yet. I'm still waiting on the perfect place.. and if the place doesn't come I don't know what I will be doing.

Electricity goes off on 10/22/2007. I maybe staying in a hostel until Nov. 1st, we'll see.

Nuwan is packing. It's over. It's like leaving a dorm room. This life style has really worked for me. Finding something new sucks.


Well friend, I bid thee farewell it's been a good running.


Lindsay Marie Hamilton (the millionth)

today is a good day.

I'm alive. There was a shooting (again) at the apartment next door when I should have been getting home.

Thankfully, I stopped into Chelsea and stayed there for a good time and when I came back the shooting was over.





So, I totally have a crush on Than simply because 1.) he's asian 2.) he has a grill - and wears it 3.) because he wears plaid shirts.

he probably likes men, but we'll see.

throw it away.

I have.

"Release to the sky, look him straight in the eye
And tell him that now, that you wish he would die.
You'll never touch him again so get what you can
Leaving him empty just because he's a man.
So good when it ends, they'll never be friends
One more night, that's all they can spend." - One More Night, Stars





goodnight, sleep light, stranger.

hiya boyfriend.
it's me, Lindsay, your girlfriend.



I'm happy. boys make me happy as well as insane. hi ho, hi ho, it's off to shower I go.

"A house divided against itself cannot stand."-President Lincoln

I'm seeking professional help and I definitely think it's the right thing to do.

TGIF. caitlin comes in one week at 8am. I'm totally pumped. I miss having her around.


tbs has gotten me through a lot. old stuff, I don't know their new stuff. Thanks guys. Thanks.

you asked me to put my life on hold for you.


I did. For three months.


I asked you to understand that I'm putting mine on hold.


You couldn't do it. Not even a day.





congrats. congrats. congrats.

Everything I do seems to be all wrong.

my legs hurt.

Well hers is a tonic and mine is a gin.


Things have started going my way and I'm happy to say that. Just when that happens, I piss everyone off. You know what though, screw it. If they're mad at me there is nothing that I can do about the whole thing so I'm just not even going to bother.

I'm getting my hair done on Monday.


I want something new for my new look on life.


Life is great these days. Life is great.

MORE THAN ANYTHING I HATE WORKING IN THIS GROUP IN MY PHOTO CLASS. such lack of organization and nothing I can do about it.

I need to

learn where to

I
AM
NOT
WAITING
ANYMORE.





so long. i bid you farewell.

do you want to touch me?

it was my mom's birthday.

I wish I were there at Maggiano's eating tiramisu (even though I HATE it) and eating tons of pasta with my family. I don't know what it is.. I really miss them. Maybe it's because I miss having the feeling that someone wants me and wants me there.

No one seems to want me here.

I wonder why that is.


tomorrow is my day off of everything (life, work, school) and I was hoping to spend it with artie. that's a negative. not happening.


Instead, I'll probably go buy a new pair of shoes and a shirt or two. Something wintery. Maybe I'll go find a Nordstrom somewhere and go crazy. Probably not, just pay off credit card bills, cell phone bill, and macys bill.






this is my life. get used to it lindsay doodle pop.

i want to vomit.

ob la di ob la dah life goes on .. la da da da life goes on.

what are we?

I just don't know what to do with myself.

How easily my head flips and flops around is sheer justification that I am a little bit uneasy or possibly a nutcase. Hopefully it's not the later of the two.

One day I'll be fine, the next day I won't be, the day after that I'm fine again. It's always, always, always the same thing bothering me. I won't go into it, because frankly, I feel that I've gone into it way too many times. I just don't know anymore.

fudge.

I really miss Michigan and the food and people and all of that jazz that's going on there. I guess I'm just ready to move on with my life and honestly I wish that I had some security. That's life though, take whatever comes at you, no security.

The lease expires on the apartment soon, we're moving out. Keeping it in Brooklyn, unless we MAGICALLY find a super affordable (and I won't say cheap because I learned in school that it's a no-no word) apartment in the city. People are always shocked that I have this huge, massive, tourist destination to call my home and yeah, it's great at times but at others it's the same as being downtown Detroit or in Butte, Montana. It all gets to be the same after a while. I don't know if it's a change of setting that I need or just a change of lifestyle.. but something's got to give. I'm not happy. I don't know if I'm ever truly happy, I may just be fooling myself.

The people at my school are not my friends. My boyfriend isn't really my boyfriend. My life isn't really all that enjoyable. Things are becoming mundane, and I don't know what to do about it.


it's all about you and although you do not read this. it's all about you.

:)

everything is feelin' groovy.

oh the fratellis.

I kind of am at a loss of what to do.

not enough time.

I do not want to be lonely but I don't think that this will end up working. I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt and try a bit longer.



pessimistic.

sometimes, I'd rather just be alone.

work
school
work
school
sit
work
work
school
school
work
eat
work
school
die.



when can I fit you in?



well, off to work now. duh. I don't know if I have any clean underwear. I know that I don't have money to do laundry though. Handwashing undergarments doesn't seem clean to me.. ew. ew ew. crunchy undies.

well two steps for applying to study for a year are done. Well, three, just I need to print out my essay. Essay- CHECK. Recommendation letters (4)- almost CHECK. Application- CHECK. Interview/Dars/Audit- NOT COMPLETE.

I have no reason to want to stay in New York anymore.. besides school. I wonder where I'll end up in two years when I'm completely done?!



p.s. i'm really super lonely. lonely and unhappy. i cried last night. i can't do this anymore. i am sick of being on the back burner. i am important too. i swear it. i am a good person and i don't know if anyone actually sees that.

I need attention.

I need attention and I want to be spoiled.

oh me! oh my!

school is going well so far, granted I'm only two days into it. I like both of my teachers that I've had.

my tooth still hurts. The past dentist didn't do the proper work on me and so my filling chipped and I had to get it redone. My tooth really really still hurts so I hope that they did the right thing.

Ugh.

It's 9:32 and I may go to sleep. I'm exhausted. Getting up at 6:45am is hard to do!

2nd post today - WAHOOZlE!

The things people tell sales associates. This fellow Michigander came to me, at two seperate times during the day (she left the store and came back to make purchases) told me about from when she was a wee tot to what she is going through (sexually abused by more than one family member) all the way up to getting healed and talking to her psychic friend in Seatle, WA. It was really weird and I didn't know how to respond.




I wish that upon noone. Family is supposed to be something and people you can always fall back on not something you fear or feel uncomfortable around. I love every member of my family whether or not we get along, I know that we will always have each other's backs no matter what.



I also got a cd from a Mennonite on the subway. They were singing, swaying, and all the men were wearing plaid button down tops. They said I was observant, I declared that I went to fashion school and ran off of the train. It was an interesting ride home. I turned my iPod up. I didn't know that there were Mennonites in New York City, let alone having a church on Atlantic Ave in Brooklyn. I always saw them in the really densely populated areas of Michigan, due to their lack of driving and living in an Amish type way. Different strokes for different folks.


the lead man stepped on my foot and did not apologize. I told my mom this to my mom and her response was "Are you sure they were Mennonites, Lindsay? They're very respectful." The cd says Mennonite as well as PREPARE TO DIE! hahahaha! I also told my mom that I wanted to visit their church and her response was "You'd ask too many questions and make them question their religion. They'd kick you out." I then said " Yeah, plus I don't have the proper attire."

Thank heaven for..

7-11 .. no that's not it.


a week left of madness. school starts up again on Monday. I need to figure out what classes I'm actually taking. Meeting with old professors to get some recommendations signed..

I am off to Italy next fall. I don't know if anyone will miss me, but that's okay. I will have to make a lot of money this summer .. and save nearly all of it to go, but I don't care. I want sleezy I-talian men to lick my face at the clubs, I want to eat a whole pizza, and I want to travel around the rest of Europe with great ease. I want something different, something new, something exciting.


blah blah blah. my life is so mudaine.


work, work, work, al, bcc, work, work, school, work, work, school, school, school, work wor wo w wwwa.

12 days more. for good. really good.

sometimes I feel like I am just getting in the way. I don't like being on the back burner, but I know my place at this time. back burner.


It's this weird feeling. I'm okay with it. Very okay with it. Who knows what my deal is, I think I've just become comfortable with myself and super busy, so I don't really have time to dwell on the fact that we don't communicate.

I doesn't bother me, thank goodness.

you dont care about me anymore.

Well, today in the streets of New York (57th and Broadway area) I got in a verbal fight with a woman who is clearly nuts.

I was talking too loud on the street (?!) while walking to the bus stop, which apparently is HIGHLY unacceptable in her book. She then started talking crap under her breath so I said "excuse me?" She then said that I was screaming in her ear, when I was not even near her whatsoever and thennn.. she got all crazy told me that I was a cow/sow (same thing), that I was ugly, I have big eyes, I'm a spoiled bitch, and "fuck you!" (pardon my french).

You know what, no matter how crazy this woman is, she made me feel like shit. I know I'm not attractive, however I know that I am NOT fat in the least bit. But with someone saying that to me, it makes me doubt myself. On top of having low self esteem to begin with a woman screaming down the street while pulling her eyelids apart from each other to symbolize big eyes makes me feel like total shit.


Oh and she must have been in her 40s.









this made me cry and no matter if she was crazy or not I still hate how I look.

19 more days.

you'll
be in
m y
arms
once
more
...<3



thank you for being there for me and treating me how I feel I should be treated, with respect.

i cant think of the right words to say

not the exact version, but it will have to do. Oh cat power - you dawg you. you dawg.

:)

caitlin is here.


bar hopping now.

goodbye.

I
am
dead.

i'm for real about to punch someone.

I love Pat Benatar - for realz.


so Nuwan threw something on my bed and I don't want it so I threw it back to him. Then while he was talking to Andrew and B he said that I threw it back like the whore that I am. I chimed in and said not to call me that and that it wasn't funny. He said it was supposed to be funny.

This is why I don't want to live with him anymore.




GOD NOVEMBER GET HERE! I want walls and to not live with a person who treats me like shit.



carley and caitlin on FRIDAY!!! woohoo!

kyle.

OKAY FOR REAL NOW,

why does he keep letting me back into his life to be friends and then slamming the door in my face. When I tell him I give up on this friendship that I try to keep going he pulls me back in and says crap that he doesnt want to lose connections with me and yada yada and to be honest, what does it even matter anymore? A friendship or any kind of -ship is not one where one person pulls all of the weight and the other twiddles their thumbs. I once again have given up on this. In all honesty, I don't want to be friends with him anymore at all.. because I don't think this is a friendship more like I'm worried that he's dead in the gutter somewhere and I would never know because he won't get back to me.

Last Friday (or Fryday according to Lupita's in Mexicantown) he called me like 4 times and sent me text messages upon text messages when I was trying to get my night going for Artie (getting a new phone, sushi and thai food all set, parking, directions -- which I still got lost, financial situations aka getting money from my mom because Im 'po'). Like I understood that he wanted me to call him back - no need for two text messages asking me to do so. I get the point, I'm a good friend, I'll get back to you when I have a free second. Okay, his girlfriend cheated on him and then broke up with him.. Karma sucks, doesn't it? I guess I tried to console the kid as best as I know how (not very well) but.. whatever. Next day it was the same thing until mid day. Since then, I've called him to make sure he is not dead somewhere in the gutter but he won't return my calls at all.

Okay, I give up. I'm tired of worrying about him, I tired of just being there when he needs me to be there but him not being there when I need him to be. I need the reassurance that he is fine, especially after he is so distraught.


Turns out he is back with the girl that cheated on him and that's why he's not calling me. .. Well, sucka' friendship is a two way street and I'm not down with myself being the only one driving on it.










friends can suck a lot.

Imma fool and I don't care.

you feel like liberation.
you give me new sensation.
you showed me what I needed.
you are my life completed.

can't stop, cant brake, who's driving?
sometimes there's no denying..
'til today I feel I can't lose, I'm letting go of what I knew.


Um, my new tattoo is peeling. hot. I have a tan. hot.


here are things I like (in list form): things I don't like:
+boys -facial hair less boys
+facial hair -red wine
+dancing -sushi
+beer -mosquito bites and mosquitos
+mixed drinks -being lonely
+music -having no money
+photographs (sometimes with myself in them) -crying
+friends -sleeping alone
+clothing -being bored
+shopping -working alone
+my parents -driving
+parties -getting hurt (physically, mentally, and emotionally)
+wandering around -looking really ugly / bad.
+holding members of the opposite sex in my bed.
+being liked
+looking pretty
+being hairy
+hanson
+dogs
+FACIAL HAIR
+concerts (with non annoying fans)
+people who dress well
+degrassi
+being really weird.



yeah.. :) I'm only lonely for less than a month more.

last night I saw a shooting star while I was on my roof crying.

Today a butterfly landed on me at work, it freaked me out at first. I then realized that everything was going to be okay.


Today is going to be okay.


I am going to be okay.



ps - I love spanish diners especially ones with Morir Soñando. It's fresh oj + milk + sugar + ice and I wish that everyone could enjoy this as much as I do.

OH HOW I LIKE THE DOMINICAN AND ALL OF THE DELICIOUS TREATS!

August 1st - SCHOOL STARTS SOON!

artie is back in exactly ONE month from touring around this country and living the crazy life. I am excited more than anything. School starts in 27 days and I need to discuss with my dad somethings, which I am NOT looking forward to. Ugh. I'm wearing new jeans and I have to check Hanson tour dates. I don't want to go without Slops because she and I are hanson partners.. but whatever happens, happens.

I'm back in Crooklyn and things are going well. I miss Detroit already but I am happy to be back and on my own at the same time. Parties in the D are always fun.



well.. hanson once again sums up my feelings and taylor feels the urge to kick the chair into isaac. woo, rockin'. ha.

DETROIT = <3 !

Okay, love Detroit.

warped tour yesterday, fun. I got to see Artie which was extremely nice (even though he was having a shit day and I couldn't do anything to make it better). Then, my phone broke had to go to Verizon and get a new one.. :/ Dang KRZR. Then, went and packed up a picnic to meet Artie downtown again and have dinner on the Detroit River (at Hart Plaza). I was trying to be cute and romantic (since I'm usually the opposite) .. I don't think it worked. Then after I dropped him off I went and back home to end up meeting Caitlin (her finnnne self) in my driveway to go to Funk Party (there were two last night - Bohemian House as well as at the usual CAID).. BoHo sucked, no air and too hot. CAID was good, I saw a TON of people that I know. It was weird and good at the exact same time. I slept at Carleys, woke up to her buttcheeks (hot!) and caitlin singing Genesis. All in all it was good.

Today:
AFter seeing some buttcheeks I went home (while listening to Prince of course) and went straight to Russell Street Deli and had great food. :) I also then went to R. Hirtz JR and got some herb roulee for tomorrows party. HEY, who doesn't love good cheeses? I then rushed to EL where I got stuck in traffic for 3 hrs which made me late for my tattoo apointment.. :/ ! I then got a call from Kyle, ... yeah. That's how I feel about that one. ANYWAYS, I came home from the tattoo studio (after falling asleep in the backseat of my brothers girlfriends car) and saw my dad and nephew for the first time since Easter. I love my nephew so much, he's amazing. My dad is equally as amazing.. he gave me the "You're still my little girl and I remember you when you were this young and doing this and this and that." He leaves for cali soon and his foot won't be better by that time. I then went to the movies with Caitlin, Carley, and Matt T. I don't know what I saw some movie with a guy that has a chainsaw for a hand .. I dont know. I fell asleep like 12 times during the movie which was an hour and twenty minutes. I must suck mucho.

I havent talked to artie at all today and it makes me question in the back of my head if everything is alright. For realz though I'm definitely always paranoid. ALWAYS about everything - including Keef coming in, raping me, and then killing me in my loft.



tomorrow: bbq with family and I invited Jon and shopping with pops. I must sleep like NOW though, I'm exhausted and sun burnt.














(p.s. I don't like when I don't talk to him at all throughout the day - busy or not)

i'm sinkin' but i'm floatin' away, throw me a line so I can anchor my pain.

I'm not happy anymore.




I'm never happy anymore.




(ihatethisandiwanttocryoverit)


strong enough to break .. days keep comin' & I keep stumblin'. ... I'm still holdin' on..



i want someone to make me happy, 'cuz it ain't happenin' these days.

I am kind of awesome.


"Georgia, you know that you've been on my mind.
Georgia, we've both learned to compromise.
I'll be there for you, when everybody's coming unglued
I'll be there for you, I won't say you have to choose.

'Cause I don't want to let you go
and I don't want to lose you slowly.
I just want to let you know
that it's only just a lil' back and forth lately.

(a lil' back and forth)

Georgia, I'll be chasin' you the rest of my life.
Georgia, welcome to the rollercoaster ride.
When I come to you, I know that you'll help me get through.
I'll be there for you, we both know
we could never choose.

'Cause I don't want to let you go.."

two days until detroit and it's to the point where I dont know what to feel anymore.

HANSON

Okay, so I so totally just saw Hanson. The girl behind me in line cried when she met them. You're 20+ .. come on. Death you can cry over. Female problems you can cry over. Failing a class you can cry over. Three people who are the same as you is NOT acceptable to cry over. Maybe I'm just a big huge douchebag and Hanson fans really really bother me, despite their screaming and stuff (which is fantastic, give the band some feedback) they're just catty, jealous, psycho girls that has it out for the person in front of them instead of just enjoying the music. While, guys, infact it is about the music. "The music lives" .. if that's the case, does being first in line and pushing and shoving people over at any expense really matter? It's about the music not about if Taylor sweats on you in concert (which reminds me of Angela G.'s sweat towel from the *NSYNC concert that we went to in high school).. Yeah, I understand wanting to shake their hand as they walk by or catching a drum stick (WHICH COULD VERY WELL BE DANGEROUS) .. I am just often times disgusted with these 20+ girls.

Lets see though, this concert wasn't bad, there was no shoving, a lot of screaming (but that's okay because it's a concert), and thankfully there were no girls in Wheelchairs getting pushed and shoved like in Detroit (maybe we're just dirrrrrtier in the D). I met some cool girls, so psychos, a lot of people there don't like one another I realized.

I also realized that Hanson fans are similar in a sense, everyone was putting on make-up in line before they got their cd's signed (except myself .. I smell really stinky and not even make up would benefit me at that point) annnnnnd I was one of the only people in the concert that was not singing a long. The CD came out today, I don't know how these girls knew ALL the words already. They're impressive and I guess I am just... well not.



I video taped most of it in honor of caitlin rollin' deep in the dirty d still. :)

Miss New York or New Mexico was in front of me in line to get a cd signed. She was a douchebag and just complained about her hair and joked about how Taylor dresses better than everyone (which he very well does).. but.. I dont know. They just bother me. Speaking of, I model tomorrow in the early early earrrrrly am. UGH. Scared. I got my hair cut so hopefully it'll be good and I wont look ridiculously awful. I have a bug bite on my cheek and my nose is dry.

(gross) (gross) (gross) (i look gross)

four days more.

... i miss him ... :/

i look like I got hit by a bus in this photo.

I on the otherhand, recently, have been looking marvelous apparently.


I know I'm repatitive, but I really honestly cant help it.

oh and..

I always wondered if taylor made those noises and squirmed around like that during sex.


I guess I'll never know.

rolla'coasta of ... not love like in Beavis & Butthead but of .. !?!?!?!

which we did infact have the Beavis and Butthead SEGA game growing up. I still don't know how Pie (of all people) figured out the code so we could always win. Hey, who doesn't like deep-frying rats?

I always have this fear that I'm getting in the way of people living their lives. More specifically Artie's life. I don't like calling him because I always fear that I'm just calling at the wrong time or that I'm doing this or doing that, and he has so much going on as it is; I'm just a burden.

I know that's probably not how anyone but myself sees it, but I can't help it. I don't want to ruin a good thing or what will hopefully evolve into a good thing.

ANYWHO let me tell you

last night, Kyle called (of all people) and I didn't answer. He left me a voicemail, which he never ever does, rarely did he do it when we were dating even. Anyways, so the voicemail said "Hey Lindsay, It's Kyle ... [long long pause and then a long sigh] I don't want to lose contact with you [pause] just .. call me back." So after picking up Andrew's chocolate cake I called him back, he didn't answer.. Anyways, I'll cut to the chase.. we finally ended our phone tag and talked to one another. I feel bad for him, he is no longer friends with his original gang because they were doing all these crazy drugs and drinking too much for his liking. Fine, okay, I understand. So now all he has is Margo (his girlfriend) and I guess that is it. We talked for about a half an hour and then I was going through Artie-withdraws (and he called while I was on the phone with Kyle) .. so I got off the phone with Kyle and gave artie a jingle.

I am retarded and misunderstood something and got really super terribly upset.. like to the point of crying (really, how lame..) last night as well as this afternoon when I was thinking about it. It's weird to think about how much I like this person and I don't really even know him. I don't know what my problem is. I'm deeply in like with someone I know nothing about. I don't want to lose this person before I have the chance to show him who I am as well as before I even have him. It's a weird feeling that I'm going through that I haven't yet experienced. I hope all works out for the best and that we can work through being way far apart from each other.. Well, Jersey to Brooklyn isn't THAT far.. but still.

more than anything I want him in my bed with me just so I can wake up and feel happy and liked.


what an amazing person...


I can't help but thinking about Kyle though, if he's okay. I don't want to lose contact with him either.. he knows me. I just don't know him anymore.


However, I'm ready for the next chapter to begin in my life. bring it.

be bop

yay for presents. I bought a new iPod.


School starts soon. I got my grades for my two summer classes, I got an A- and a B, I'm very proud of myself.

I got tested today and my arm still hurts. It's life and well worth it.. I'm feelin' good.

11 days ..!

I'm more excited to see you than .. EVER.

I hope that you're as excited to see me as I am to see you. <3.

I love That 70s Show.

I'm going to cook some pasta with chicken and tomatos.

Today, I looked smashing and a worker at american apparel loved it to.. ha. It felt good. I look great in my new ensemble for when I see you.


I want to take yo' breath away and shock you. I want you to be proud to say 'this is lindsay.. ' and flash a smile.

... the feet in my head never stopping running ...

pulled pork.

Pies N Thighs last night. Delicious.

My favorite breakfast spot before work, Terry's Coffee shop is closing down for a month starting tomorrow to do rennovations.
What am I supposed to eat and drink in the morning? I certainly can't deep fry my own sausages. Although I wish I had a deep frier because I would make sweet potato french fries like EVERY day. (i love me some sweet potato french fries)

I got a new email address, I can't afford my .mac account anymore (which sucks).. $100.00 a year is a lot of money. SOOO, if anyone needs to email me do so at hamilton.lindsaym@gmail.com . I've buckled down and got an official non ridick. sounding email address. Old age is knocking on my door and I'm slowly letting 'em in.

I realize that sitting with my legs open while wearing a dress is inappropriate but it is so comfortable. Especially with no shoes on.
Oooohh Oooooh.

detroit - 12 days.
artie - 12 days.
tattoo (3rd) - 13 days.
Eastern Market / Russell St. Deli - 13 days.
Becker's 21st Bday Party - 13 days.
BBQ - 14 days
Big Breakfast Sunday - 14 days.
doctor / dentist / eye exam - 15 days.
((my time at home is packed and I'm so happy.))


no no no, I won't leave you. you mustn't worry, I would never.

((this is why I love where I live))

the whole time I was standing there, I wished that you were there to see how alive the city is and to see how amazing things can be. oh yeah, and to just be wandering around with me too.

catorce dias mas.

i'm not pretty.. nor am I shinning bright.



restless.

sixteen days & counting.

<3 could you come home?


different note: a very special person wrote me a poem.. I dug it up (because I saved it on Word) and decided to share.

Vanity Fair – Gabe Downey

How are you feeling, Vanity Fair?
Dispatch your own smile to me.
Even though you seem weathered,
I'm more than convinced.
You're exactly the way you should be.

What are you seeing, Vanity Fair?
A shroud of brightness surrounds you.
An attempt to make sense,
of the world we inhabit.
Will never cease to astound you.

Where are you going, Vanity Fair?
Where are you needing to be?
Show me some adolescence,
I'll think you divine.
I hope, with my heart, you are free.

Who are you loving, Vanity Fair?
What can you feel from above?
You weren't wrong to assume,
That you are worth more.
For you are why, lovers love.

Your heartbeat is strong now, Vanity Fair.
Your heartbeat a song from the start.
But all the love in the world,
if our race was to be unfurled.
Wouldn't match the love in your heart.

I've yet to see the beauty of heaven.
In all its angelic despair.
But I'm sure I'd get a glimpse,
even for a short while.
If you'd give me a smile, Vanity Fair.

the alarm is going off... still.

I got new silver shoes today. I love them more than .. saltines. Not saltines with nutella though, I love those more.

I rode in a subway car with no air conditioning and I almost died.. I then transferred cars.


today was a good day.

do you remember the time?

yes, I quoted Michael Jackson (my hero).

I forgot to post something that I realized this morning .. wow I need to get friends to tell my feelings to.


I realized (as the girl from Texas was sneaking out of B's room) that I would rather have someone that actually cares about me (even if they're far away) and have someone to go back to again and again than to have a one night stand.. or not even a one night stand but a friend.. .. I don't know where I'm going with this.

I just like having someone that is going to be there for me...

home sweet home, bica.

Yesterday was eventful.

swept. watched the hanging of photos for the show. deleted all messages from my phone (including texts). drank sparks. drank colt 45. saw catherine & noah. met aziz from MTV. met daniello from San Fran. worked. ate a delicious grilled cheese with herb goat cheese.

I saw a girl crying while walking down the street yesterday and all that I could think of was "what is the matter with her?" and "is she crying a happy cry or a sad one?" I thought about it was I walked towards the train stop. Her brother or dad could have died or she could have seen the butterfly that just flew by me and thought it was absolutely stunning. I doubt it was the later. I certainly hope that it wasn't the first thought either.

I kept walking.

pigeons walk really awkwardly and then I thought what if I walked like a pigeon; mainly when it hops on to the curb from the street. Wouldn't that be weird and delightful at the same time?

I think of the weirdest things EVER.

I rode the J home, ate food that wasn't good, put on my RUN DMC shirt and my adidas (had to do it) and came back to work.

I had a sparks headache going to sleep last night and there were two blonde gals from Texas that liked laughing a lot (which is fine usually but not at 3am). I fell asleep after Brandon took one to his "room" (his space defined by two cardboard boxes that were made into walls).


I have seen my first mosquito of the year and he disappeared on me .. after he bit me of course.


a lot of the Hasidic Jewish men are wearing their fur winter hats today, it's hot though!

Lindzeralien.

I hang out upside down.

Conversation with a customer at BKI today:

man approached the register : "Hey, you have big, beautiful, blue eyes."
me : ".. uh... thanks."
man at the register : "yeah, they're alien like and I like that!"
me : " .. uhhh ... "
man at the register : "are you hiring?"
me : " .. uhh .. I don't think so."


so apparently I'm ugly (?!) .

happy birfdai umm-erica.

a few photos to express how I feel:



Congrats on making it to year 231, hopefully we can continue growing and belittling everyone else except our pals in NAFTA and China (which is soon going to have a free trade agreement with the USA).


Yay cheap labor.



i miss artie ... a lot.





I'm still going to join the Peace Corp... you can say 'ello to me in Africa in a few years.




goodnight all.

ci.

hi ho, hi ho, I hope B gets up so we can go!

testing ! a-woooon-hun , a-taaa-whooo, a-free. a-free.

I am giving this a test.

I miss people, things (specifically having a life), and food back at home.

I will eventually make this pretty cool, unfortunately I don't have the time or the will to right now (forgive me, it's late).


I will be going home on July 27th to see a beautiful boy, Artimus Prime, !


When I go home, I will get tattooed (yes, again) as well as DANCE.





tomorrow is my day off and I promised myself Coney Island. We'll see.



Saiyonara for now, peepz.